Update

No, I have not retreated back into the cave. In fact I’ve been out hunting…I’m hungry for work and I’ve been getting it. Previously I used to post a lot especially when I had lots of work, but that was programming. Now I mostly do writing — web content writing — and it’s been a hell of an experience. Writing doesn’t tire me…the constant communication with clients does. Unlike programming, content writing projects are very small and they don’t last for more than a few hours. This means I have to get lots of clients, and keep getting them until I’m so known that one project fetches me thousands of dollars :-). Although I get many queries every week, only a few turn out to be paying clients. Still, it is much, much, much better than doing something else. And earning hasn’t been bad too.

I woke up a bit sad in the morning…one of those phases when you feel doleful without any particular reason. Alka told me to put on some songs and sit outside for a while. I listened to the songs and felt gloomier. I haven’t been happy with my singing. In fact I didn’t wake up sad. I became sad when I practiced. I realized I couldn’t sing the notes properly. I blamed myself for not practicing enough, felt discouraged, and wrapped up the one-hour practice in fifteen minutes. Talk about not being able to sing well! I give up too easily and sometimes I can’t help it. On the other hand I’m known as a person who doesn’t give up easily. This is a strange contradiction.

While outside I saw a bee writhing in the mud. She was dying. Again and again her wings buzzed as she tried to fly but instead she got feebler and feebler. There it was — death happening in front of my eyes. A whole world dies when a living being dies. A whole world was dying while I was feeling wretched about not being able to sing well. I couldn’t relate to the bee because its agony was much greater, but she seemed to be, sort of accusing me. “Look here,” she seemed to be saying. “I’m dying. The days I’ve lived are over. The days I used to buzz around flowers collecting nectar are over. My story is finished; my existence is on the verge of vanishing. I’m alone here, wrapped in the mud, broken here and there, trying to take off in vain, missing my friends who are still busy up there doing all sorts of things and feeling totally happy. Gathering honey in the hive. Oh! Can you imagine how I feel when I see my hive, my home from this distance and realize I’m never going to fly back to it? You, on the other hand, have all the things you need. You have around you someone who cares for you and is always going to be beside you. You have all the time in the world to achieve what you want to achieve. Feel sad when you die like me…alone, in the mud.”